@DoctorLFC

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

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@MomofTeen

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

@CoolCamel69

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

@FuckabillyRex

Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.

@ZachSvobodny

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

@brynnester

Her: *shyly* If I told you I loved you would you say it back?
Me: Of course
Her: Then I love you
Me: It back

@iwearaonesie

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

@internetluke

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

@KKAlThani

If you go by “there are plenty more fish in the sea” you’ll never find love cause let’s start with the fact that you think you can date fish