Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
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yes… yes…
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker