@pbear79

I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said…

“Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they’re going to die.”

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@50NerdsofGrey

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

@LordOfThePogs

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

@UncleDuke1969

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

@misfarber

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

@thepaulahunt

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

@Darlainky

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

@Freudianscript

I’m not real good at talking my way out of trouble, since it’s the talking that got me in to trouble in the first place.

@AaronFullerton

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”