I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said…

“Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they’re going to die.”

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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’


School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?


“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”


[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders


This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.


Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.


I’m not real good at talking my way out of trouble, since it’s the talking that got me in to trouble in the first place.


“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”