@melibuff

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

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@hippieswordfish

CARTOON VILLAIN: how did you know it was me who robbed the bank
COP: you were literally carrying around giant bags with dollar signs on them

@4SLars

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

@savvystrider

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

@Book_Krazy

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

@SwanieChicken

Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he’s my twitter husband.
Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.

@vineyille

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

@fridaycandy

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

@TheMichaelRock

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever

@Mikecanrant

I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.

@DamienFahey

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.