ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
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that’s really how it is
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
DON’T TELL ME CAGE CAN’T BE THE ELEPHANT’S NAME BECAUSE THERE’S NO COMMA WHEN THERE’S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
If Private Ryan was Black…it would be called..”Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan.”