@melibuff

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

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@TheCatWhisprer

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

@ArfMeasures

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

@Andrea__B__

Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?

@markhoppus

DON’T TELL ME CAGE CAN’T BE THE ELEPHANT’S NAME BECAUSE THERE’S NO COMMA WHEN THERE’S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!

@jwoodham

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

@baronvonbike

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

@AlmightyBored

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

@Livsey1

If Private Ryan was Black…it would be called..”Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan.”