I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
You Might Also Like
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda