@Lisabug74

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

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@superdadatron

Lies I’ll never stop telling:

1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.

2. It’s 6 inches long.

3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.

@Adam14

Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You’re welcome.

@RidiculousDak

My brain: You really think you can just study the night before and pass?

Me:

@dorsalstream

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

@Mikecanrant

There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.

@OllyiConic

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

@_Kim_Jongun

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

@mydmac

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

@bobbiejo448

Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It’s to the point that Google even knows when I’m high.