@Lisabug74

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

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@cwhudson

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

@TheWeirdWorld

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

@UberFacts

A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber’s “Baby” between classes and students had to pay to stop it – They earned $1,000 in 3 days.

@sonictyrant

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

@pbear79

I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said…

“Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they’re going to die.”

@CoopSoSarc

Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life

Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs

Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago

@PetrickSara

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

@Pork_Chop_Hair

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.