Lies I’ll never stop telling:
1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.
2. It’s 6 inches long.
3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
You Might Also Like
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You’re welcome.
Me: One food please.
My brain: You really think you can just study the night before and pass?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It’s to the point that Google even knows when I’m high.