I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Tier 3 meme
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.