I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

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[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless


I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.


A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber’s “Baby” between classes and students had to pay to stop it – They earned $1,000 in 3 days.


me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights


I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said…

“Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they’re going to die.”


Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life

Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs

Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago


“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020


*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.