[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
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[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
This hospital has everything
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.