i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ouch
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.