My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Just passed by a restaurant named “Beer and Tacos”
So it appears that Heaven really is a place on Earth
Yes, I’ve been in love before.
I’ve also had salmonella poisoning and you don’t see me running back for seconds.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified