@traciebreaux

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

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@AndreyasAsylum

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

@drayzze

Just passed by a restaurant named “Beer and Tacos”

So it appears that Heaven really is a place on Earth

@swandive2222

Yes, I’ve been in love before.

I’ve also had salmonella poisoning and you don’t see me running back for seconds.

@954LeenO

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

@ElleOhHell

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

@OneFunnyMummy

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

@orange_rhymer

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified