i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

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My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.



ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or


Just passed by a restaurant named “Beer and Tacos”

So it appears that Heaven really is a place on Earth


Yes, I’ve been in love before.

I’ve also had salmonella poisoning and you don’t see me running back for seconds.


Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.


Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil


You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.


Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.


If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified