I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

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[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*


Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth


science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok


What do we want?
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]


Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”


Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.


DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want


Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.