8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”