Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@SortaBad

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

@kimlockhartga

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

@bransonreese

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

@blainecapatch

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

@lovemydogduck

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

@envydatropic

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

@bgirl314

Eating a box of Thin Mints doesn’t make you thin.

Apparently.

@VisionBored1

Me: my kids are obsessed with juice lately

Friend: mine too we got a really nice juicer so they can have healthy organic juice when they want it

Me, sticking a straw in a Capri Sun: cool

@Tommytoughstuff

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

@BunAndLeggings

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated