I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
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Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.