I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
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The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
how was your vacation
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.: