@juneohara65

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

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@AthenaMystique

I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.

WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?

@Scottzilla667

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

@asimplesean

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

@Babasnookie

Anyone else’s car getting 3 weeks to the gallon right now?

@BrassBallsCJ

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

@Breadery

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

@iwearaonesie

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

@itsmebeegee07

I just attempted a smoky eye and long story short, the raccoons have made me their leader

@jjax44

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.