I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
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I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
she has a point
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it