I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
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Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool