@ConanOBrien

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

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@HousewifeOfHell

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

@BuckyIsotope

*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
dammit

@taylorhosey1

How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven’t seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

@liv_thatsme

If you can’t say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they’re like, “hey, that wasn’t nice.” Buy some time.

@2browneyedboys

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

@bingowings14

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

@curlycomedy

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

@PFPTMillsy

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

@khanyew3st

Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what’s wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love. ❤️❤️