I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…