I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I feel seen.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.