I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Cheer up.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*