I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind