@mkpaulsen

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

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@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

@_elvishpresley_

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

@ebrawley

Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok

@northcoastkevin

My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.

@briangaar

Son, let me tell you the story of the Three Bears. A girl broke into their house and they ate her. Stay out of my stuff, goodnight

@AIanHangover

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

@MableGertrude

I have friends.

By that I mean I have pictures of me standing next to people on Facebook.

@really10months

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.