I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
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“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Discuss
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold