I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.

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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos


There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.


*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork


All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.


Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.


*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?


ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*


I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.


”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!