people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.