I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Google Pay be like:
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?