I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.