@she_oops

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

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@nbadag

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

@MooseChuckleTag

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

@SincerelyMen

I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.

@WildeThingy

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

@JohnLyonTweets

[dog trial]
D.A.: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: *wags tail*
D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash?
Dog: *ears droop*
*jury gasps*

@TheSharona06

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

@StephanieOKC

Someone needs to tell Madonna you can’t call it “Girls Gone Wild” when you’re a 100.

@junejuly12

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

@FattMernandez

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!