I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

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10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]


#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck


I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.


Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”


[dog trial]
D.A.: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: *wags tail*
D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash?
Dog: *ears droop*
*jury gasps*


My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.


Someone needs to tell Madonna you can’t call it “Girls Gone Wild” when you’re a 100.


Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.


I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!