@nbadag 10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
@she_oops I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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@nbadag 
@MooseChuckleTag #CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
@SincerelyMen I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.
@WildeThingy Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
@JohnLyonTweets [dog trial]
D.A.: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: *wags tail*
D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash?
Dog: *ears droop*
*jury gasps*
@TheSharona06 My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
@StephanieOKC Someone needs to tell Madonna you can’t call it “Girls Gone Wild” when you’re a 100.
@junejuly12 Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
@FattMernandez I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
@heatherlou_ *moves $124 to an offshore bank account*