@jeffswarens
Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot
Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.
@she_oops
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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@jeffswarens
@sofarrsogud
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
@Mickey_McCauley
“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
@jgordonwright
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
@huntigula
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
@TheToddWilliams
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
@GabbbarSingh
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
@Reverend_Scott
I don’t think people should throw stones in regular houses either.
@Phoebetate
Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015