@she_oops

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

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@jeffswarens

Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot

Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.

@sofarrsogud

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

@huntigula

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

@TheToddWilliams

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

@Phoebetate

Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015