@she_oops

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

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@shanethevein

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

@daniellebyers

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

@jonnysun

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

@KerryHowley

My son just asked me if I when I was little I had to stay inside for COVIDs 1 through 18

@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

@mom_ontherocks

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

@junejuly12

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

@Reverend_Scott

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude