I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER