I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious