I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

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They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants


*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?


If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.


Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat


[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home


I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like “Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?” & we stay up talking about it.


Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”


How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War


What’s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common??
In each scenario, there’s a dumb guy who didn’t take it out in time.


Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.