I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.