Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.
I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”
10 : “Dopamine”
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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
bout dat hot dog summer
Congrats on getting divorced while you’re still hot.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.