[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”
10 : “Dopamine”
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The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead