@seraphicpetal

I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”

10 : “Dopamine”

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@girlnarly

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

@sixthformpoet

The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.

@oldfriend99

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

@JohnLyonTweets

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@butterwolf

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

@TheGoodGodAbove

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

@BigJDubz

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

@1followernodad

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

@harriweinreb

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead