CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
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You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made
Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.