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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
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(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Jupiter
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother