Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.
I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
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Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.
And Facebook is going to pay for it.
Make Twitter Great Again.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: … sure.