I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.

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No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.


(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight


Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.


I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”


I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.


Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times….

Lets call it tie, ok?


[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble


On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”


I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.


I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.