@Celestinelea90

I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.

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@xLiserx

Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.

@shutupmay

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

@ScottLinnen

Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire

@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

@allthenachos

We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.

And Facebook is going to pay for it.

Make Twitter Great Again.

@FrazzleMyGimp

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

@jordan_stratton

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

@meganamram

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

@robin_991

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.