I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

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I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.


I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.

Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.

But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?


To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.


no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden


I don’t chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me.


The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.


Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.


Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”