@SamGrittner

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

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@DearAnyone

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

@SuburbanSleuth

I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.

Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.

But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?

@noog

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

@wolfpupy

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

@BritXNic

I don’t chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me.

@jellybnbonanza

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

@torrami

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

@Darlainky

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”