@jonnysun

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

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@SoVeryBritish

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

@bartandsoul

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

@Sassafrantz

If you go to the zoo and he doesn’t help you steal a monkey, he’s not that into you.

@abhorrent_wife

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

@dafloydsta

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

@TheAlexNevil

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

@junejuly12

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

@ohthatbadger

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

@skittle624

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.