i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

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“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you


Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom



If you go to the zoo and he doesn’t help you steal a monkey, he’s not that into you.


I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.


UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god


“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.


I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.


Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.


“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.


Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.