i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
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[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time