I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
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My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house