I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
satan: not today, microsoft teams
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.