I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
never deleting this app.
grotesque if literal: baby food
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
three things we don’t talk about
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood