I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
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Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Sending in my taxes
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.