@AllieGoertz

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

@TheToddWilliams

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

@RandySmithWhat

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

@VerifiedJayy

How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?

@YasmeenMS

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

@Havish_AF

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

@Marlebean

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

@causticbob

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.