I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
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Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Going to church you guys need anything
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…