My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
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[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.
●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Me: OMG! Say something!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.