I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
water it, i dare you
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
first you must answer his riddles
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
me and my fake scenarios
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.