[5 seconds left in the final quarter, down by one point, I call a time out, huddle my team into a tight circle, stare each of them in the eye]
I gotta go or I’m gonna miss my bus
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
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Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
First Child: I won’t bribe my kid with food, it’s unhealthy
Third Child: If you put your underwear on I’ll buy you ice cream