@doggiedogthedog

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

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@parsfarce

[5 seconds left in the final quarter, down by one point, I call a time out, huddle my team into a tight circle, stare each of them in the eye]

I gotta go or I’m gonna miss my bus

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

@lisaxy424

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

@Jake_Vig

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

@uhhmmily

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

@1followernodad

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

@msevilroyslade

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

@TheAlexNevil

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

@TheAlexNevil

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

@reallifemommy3

First Child: I won’t bribe my kid with food, it’s unhealthy

Third Child: If you put your underwear on I’ll buy you ice cream