I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to