Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
no
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.