I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
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My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
the rocks need my help
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.