ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
You Might Also Like
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!