Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
You Might Also Like
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks