I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

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Of course this Suez Canal shit happens the month we start buying all our candy from Yemen.


Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*


HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done


Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly


My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.


5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.


17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq


It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.