I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

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I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.


*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”


A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore


Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.


if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?


I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??


[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*


Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison


If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people