I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
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*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
me: BLESS YOU!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people