I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
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If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
*puts words between two asterisks*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.