I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Have a lovely day 😊
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.