I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.