@CrisMtzgr

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

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@NuclearBavarian

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

@Brianhopecomedy

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

@Prero22

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

@TheDreamGhoul

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

@scot7a

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

@Brampersandon_

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

@the_hawlk

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

@stevevsninjas

[arresting an octopus]
cop, exasperated into radio: no, like a whole box of handcuffs

@SamuraiCorndog

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this