I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

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A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.


People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”


“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”


“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”


If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.


I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns


JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?


[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”


Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas


[arresting an octopus]
cop, exasperated into radio: no, like a whole box of handcuffs


Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this