I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
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Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦