My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
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I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My favorite female superhero
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.