Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
North and South
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast