I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I think this cat is broken
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.