I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
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My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.