I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
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*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned