Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

You learn something every day

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.